Summer leads to many things

including procrastination. I know I haven't updated in what feels like centuries and my deepest apologies. The truth is, so much has been happening and I really haven't had the time to sit and reflect on it let alone write it all down. I feel like I haven't gotten a grip on any of it yet so maybe writing this will help me accomplish that.

The problem is-where do I even begin? I suppose I'll start on the day that seven hundred and sixty eight fresh, innovative young minds were added to the mix of minds residing in the world we know today. Seven hundred and sixty eight young men and women joined the world in the face of a modern day economic recession, in the face of poverty, starvation, aids and so much more. They joined this world with hopeful hearts praying, wishing that is this generation who will prevail. That it is this generation who will be the face of change that everyone seems to talk about but no one seems to be able to pin point and say "Yes THAT is the change we've all been awaiting". The task before them is not and easy one and in no way is it fair that they are left to clean up our parents mistakes, yet I find myself being more hopeful than ever. Hopeful that tomorrow will truly be a better day. Of course, the class of 2010 won't be changing the world overnight-perhaps not even over a course of a decade. However, if they all-not just the seven hundred and sixty eight but all of the graduates of 2010 make one small attempt to change even the smallest of problems, well then that would leave way for my class to further this change and the class after us etc etc. In my opinion change has a domino effect. All it takes is the push of a finger to start it.

Sometimes I wonder what is better: to act on emotion or act with knowledge. I find that I am constantly in situations which tear me between the two. To act on emotion is to listen to your heart and act on it and the outcome of doing this is something you may or may not like. To act with knowledge is to plan everything out carefully, weighing the pros and cons and then acting. Its favorable in most cases but if you do that constantly you stop living. If you constantly measure everything out, you miss out on the chance to get hurt yes but you also miss out on the chances to be surprised, to love someone so passionately it hurts, to make mistakes and learn from them. Not to sound cliche or anything but as Alice in Eclipse said "This is the time to make mistakes". Who are we if we don't make mistakes? We are boring, predictable, complacent and most importantly careful. We stop living. I've never been the person to think before I act-I just act and deal with the repercussions. I take chances, I do the stupidest things like telling a boy I love him even though I know his heart belongs elsewhere, like standing up for someone I barely even know, like getting on a bus and never getting off-just seeing where it would take me and who I would meet along the way. All this and more I have done and because of it I have cried, I have lost but I have also learned and grown and yes lived. So in the face of all this, why am I so hesitant to take my own advice and admit my feelings. I know they're there, they've lingered inside me for quite sometime. In ten days, many things will change depending on my decision to follow my heart or become a hypocrite and discard my own way of life. Fear is a terrifying thing especially when facing it alone yet I'm afraid that in this situation I have no choice but to stand alone.

Besides my own trivial thoughts plaguing me, summer has been...one for the record books. It's only officially been ten days in yet it feels like forever ago that I finished my junior year. This entire year in fact has felt like a dream or an extended long summer vacation. My experiences, my friends here, all the memories that I've made- I feel like I could wake up from it all and be back in Bangkok where I had things all figured out-or so I thought. For some reason my heart cannot grasp the fact that this is where I'm at now, this is my life. Apart of me will always hold on to the past and maybe that is a good thing. In order to grow we must acknowledge our past and accept it right? Well maybe, in some twisted way that is what I'm doing. Despite my iron lock grip, things have been good so far.

Summer has brought with it new relationships, the death of old ones, and a new outlook on life-especially concerning that which will continue to confuse me well into old age: boys. Why is everything with them so complicated? Why can't it be simple: I like you, I like you too-okay we're going out. Instead you have to play the game and become good at it or else risk getting hurt-badly. You have to laugh at their jokes but not to obvious, you have to touch when you flirt but not be all over them, you can't make it easy because all boys want what they can't have. All these unwritten rules we as girls are expected to follow. You would think I, after a failed relationship or two, would be a pro at this by now. You think wrong. I am perhaps the worst player at this "game" we call relationships. The fact is, I hate playing games. I hate screwing with matters especially those of the heart. I always find that I'm the "cool, sweet, nice girl" that all the guys like to hang out with, yet I'm never "the" girl. Or I am in the case of some guys but of course the guys that I want don't see me in that light. We're always pinning for what we can't have and when we finally get it, or if we ever do I should say, we get bored with it and throw it away in pursuit for something more challenging. Life now-a-days is just too ironic. Sometimes you just have to wonder-if life were to take on a human form-what would it look like? In my mind, life would be that sadistic nine year old girl who in the face of your downfalls helps you up while laughing behind your back.

Summer is the time where all your greatest fears should be forgotten. Summer is the time to stay out till 2 in the morning partying at the beach or sharing a kiss or two under the pier. It's the time to get to know yourself better and to form unbreakable bonds with your friends. To create memories you'll be telling your grandchildren about, to fill a facebook album-or two or three or four. My summer has been all this and so much more. It's been filled with backstabbing, honesty, criticism, praise, and most importantly those laughs that I'm always talking about-the ones that come from somewhere deep within that fills you up with the warmest feeling in the world. My summer is leading me to places I never thought I'd go to. My summer is bringing me to people I never thought I'd meet. My summer started ten days ago and already it's turning out to be one of the best.

"And we were trying different things
We were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinking 'bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet home Alabama all summer long"

-V