While Looking Through Some Old Emails...

I stumbled across this quote that I believe pretty much sums up my last post:

At some point, you've just got to jump.
You've got to quit being scared of the "maybes" and "what-ifs" and just fucking jump.
Quit cheating yourself out of the best thing that could ever happen to you, quit cheating him out of the same, and just fall.
Fall hard, fall long, and fall forever.

-V

Strength Is A Funny Thing To Come By...

You find it the most unlikely of places, people and events. To wake up and go to school in the wake of a bad breakup, to hold your head high in the hallways despite a nasty rumor being spread, to get to know someone in spite of the things you’ve heard about them, to step onto a soccer pitch, football field, volleyball court etc when you know your team is just going to be crushed and finally to open your heart to someone after its been severely damaged. All these situations, though minor in comparison to some godlike heroic act, in my eyes resemble the strength a person could possess and in reality we all have that strength within us. Most of us, just haven’t realized it yet.

In retrospect isn’t that what high school is meant for? To help us see what we cannot? To help us discover our likes, dislikes, strong suits and weak points. To help us find our bridesmaids, our groomsmen and if we’re really lucky that person we’re meant to share forever with. Although I’m not one for believing in finding that special person in high school, some of us luck out and do. But what happens when the person we think we’ll be sharing forever with ends up breaking our hearts? What then becomes of us? The normal reaction of course is close off your heart for fear of it getting re-broken, for those wounds caused by the first person to be reopened by a new person. The rule, I’m told, states that for every month you were that person, a week should pass before you are truly ready to give your heart again. Well, that rule doesn’t apply to me-it took me two years. & even then it shouldn’t have taken that long, but it did. All because I was afraid. I gave everything to one person and was crushed to have it thrown back into my face. I had several opportunities after to form what was sure to be promising relationships with a few guys after but they always ended in disaster-all on my doing. How long does every person after the person who broke your heart have to suffer for what they did? How long will you question a new interest’s intentions, feelings, sincerity and honesty before it drives them away? How long will you question your own feelings and be hesitant to move on? If you have someone who truly wants to be with you, who can fix your broken heart, who can make it seem like whatever happened doesn’t matter-then I say jump. Jump and take a chance and hope that they catch you and if they don’t, well then you pick yourself up and jump again. Living in the past, consumed by your grief will only hurt you. By being afraid to truly let yourself be out there, you will miss out on something truly worth wild. I know it’s scary, hell it took me two years but every opportunity I missed out, I look back and wish I hadn’t passed them up. I look back and wonder what if-and that is one of the worst feelings in the world. I don’t wish it upon anyone and I hope anyone who is going through it will read this and take something back with them.

If there is one person from whom I draw my strength from, it is from my friend Taylor Ponder. Many choose to pass up the amazing opportunity to get to know her because of her reputation. For every bad thing you’ve ever heard about her, I’ll bet I can tell you five things that I truthfully know that will make those rumors seem more and more unlikely. She’s just your average teenage girl, whose been in love, had her heart broken but somehow managed to get through it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again till I’m blue in the face: I hate games and I fail miserably at them. But she, somehow has figured it all out and lucky for me she looks out for me and helps when I fall, which believe me happens often-especially with the guys that I fall for. The things she’s gone through, the things she’s going through all, instead of deterring her, make her stronger and I’ve never been more proud of her. I’d be a train on a crash course for hell without her guidance, wisdom and friendship. The next time you decide you don’t want to talk to her or make a comment about her because of something you’ve heard-I’ll laugh at you. I’ll laugh because of how immature you are, I’ll laugh because you’re missing out on the opportunity to gain a loyal, honest friend, and I’ll laugh because you don’t deserve to know her if you are so willing to believe what you’ve heard. The same goes for every other person out there. Studies show that of all rumors spread only about eight percent of them are true. While yes, all rumors spawn from some spark of truth-find out the truth and then and only then make your assumptions about person its about.
Finally, someone asked me recently what the letters TVZG or TZVG meant or stood for. No, it is not a band, a cult or anything radical like that. It simply stands for myself and my three best friends. T for Taylor, V for Vanity, Z for Zoe, and G for Geena. You might call it juvenile that we choose to unite ourselves in this way but I promise you we’ll laugh at this because honestly we don’t care. We certainly aren’t exclusive; we don’t put down other people for what they wear, how they act, who they are or anything like that. We’re just four girls who have seen each other at our best and worst of times. Four girls who despite their unlikely background bonded to form what feels like will be a permanent friendship. Four girls who have the most random times together, who make up code names for boys so we can talk about them when they’re right next to us, who steal each other’s clothing with the intention of never returning them, who can simultaneously hold a conversation with their eyes, and who will always be there for each other.

"Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open"

-V

If You're Anything Like Me...

you are driven. Headstrong. Sensitive. Determined. If you're anything like me, you don't like taking no for an answer. If you're anything like me, you'll do whatever it takes, you'll go out of your way for the people you love-even if those same feelings aren't returned. Call it being a cancer, call it being a girl, I just call it being me. I'm a pusher-I push my feelings onto others and expect them to give me the same kind of push back. I think I've gotten to caught up in my novels and tv shows-I've always dreamed of being the girl that saves the boy whose lost his way, of falling in love with the guy I've known since I was six, and of course having the three best friends that I could always count on and anywhere you'd turn people would whisper out of envy because a friendship like ours was one in a million.

But recently, a facebook message from a supposed guy "best friend" completely shattered all my what now seem like naive standards for life. In my opinion, in order for a friendship to work you need to talk constantly-whether its keeping an ongoing message, email, skype, msn whatever. & somehow I believed everyone around me had these same expectation of friendships. So when my supposed best friend stops talking to me for months at a time (he currently lives in a different hemisphere, timezone, continent etc), I of course jump to the worst conclusions possible-hes upset with me, hes depressed, somethings going wrong with school etc. & thats when I start to push and what I view as being a good friend morphs into something close to obsession. The need to be that friend who, despite how hard you push, will always be there for you no matter what. I've done this with him so many times and every time when he doesn't reciprocate, I'll get mad, delete him off of facebook, swear to high hell I'm done and two days later he'll chase after me and things will be better-a sort of bandaid if you will. Yet this routine game of cat and mouse cut me when he didn't chase after me. Instead he exposed my weaknesses and said every possible honest thing upfront and to my face. And to be honest? It hurt. Like hell. And I'm not sure if I've recovered from it or not. His words read like a broken record, constantly reading themselves aloud in my mind over and over and over. How could the one person I know best and who knows be best say those kinds of things to me? How could he hurt me so badly when he knew about everything I had overcome.

Every day since then has been me trying to come to terms with his words. "Pathetically weak" I may be, but I'm trying to learn to stand on my own and to unclinch if you will and give people their space. I'm trying to learn how to not need my friends as much as I do and how to not force myself on them when they're hurting. But its hard you know? We all want to be the one to save somebody but sometimes we just have to learn how to walk away.

"Here I am, and I stand so tall-just the way I'm supposed to be"
-V

Summer leads to many things

including procrastination. I know I haven't updated in what feels like centuries and my deepest apologies. The truth is, so much has been happening and I really haven't had the time to sit and reflect on it let alone write it all down. I feel like I haven't gotten a grip on any of it yet so maybe writing this will help me accomplish that.

The problem is-where do I even begin? I suppose I'll start on the day that seven hundred and sixty eight fresh, innovative young minds were added to the mix of minds residing in the world we know today. Seven hundred and sixty eight young men and women joined the world in the face of a modern day economic recession, in the face of poverty, starvation, aids and so much more. They joined this world with hopeful hearts praying, wishing that is this generation who will prevail. That it is this generation who will be the face of change that everyone seems to talk about but no one seems to be able to pin point and say "Yes THAT is the change we've all been awaiting". The task before them is not and easy one and in no way is it fair that they are left to clean up our parents mistakes, yet I find myself being more hopeful than ever. Hopeful that tomorrow will truly be a better day. Of course, the class of 2010 won't be changing the world overnight-perhaps not even over a course of a decade. However, if they all-not just the seven hundred and sixty eight but all of the graduates of 2010 make one small attempt to change even the smallest of problems, well then that would leave way for my class to further this change and the class after us etc etc. In my opinion change has a domino effect. All it takes is the push of a finger to start it.

Sometimes I wonder what is better: to act on emotion or act with knowledge. I find that I am constantly in situations which tear me between the two. To act on emotion is to listen to your heart and act on it and the outcome of doing this is something you may or may not like. To act with knowledge is to plan everything out carefully, weighing the pros and cons and then acting. Its favorable in most cases but if you do that constantly you stop living. If you constantly measure everything out, you miss out on the chance to get hurt yes but you also miss out on the chances to be surprised, to love someone so passionately it hurts, to make mistakes and learn from them. Not to sound cliche or anything but as Alice in Eclipse said "This is the time to make mistakes". Who are we if we don't make mistakes? We are boring, predictable, complacent and most importantly careful. We stop living. I've never been the person to think before I act-I just act and deal with the repercussions. I take chances, I do the stupidest things like telling a boy I love him even though I know his heart belongs elsewhere, like standing up for someone I barely even know, like getting on a bus and never getting off-just seeing where it would take me and who I would meet along the way. All this and more I have done and because of it I have cried, I have lost but I have also learned and grown and yes lived. So in the face of all this, why am I so hesitant to take my own advice and admit my feelings. I know they're there, they've lingered inside me for quite sometime. In ten days, many things will change depending on my decision to follow my heart or become a hypocrite and discard my own way of life. Fear is a terrifying thing especially when facing it alone yet I'm afraid that in this situation I have no choice but to stand alone.

Besides my own trivial thoughts plaguing me, summer has been...one for the record books. It's only officially been ten days in yet it feels like forever ago that I finished my junior year. This entire year in fact has felt like a dream or an extended long summer vacation. My experiences, my friends here, all the memories that I've made- I feel like I could wake up from it all and be back in Bangkok where I had things all figured out-or so I thought. For some reason my heart cannot grasp the fact that this is where I'm at now, this is my life. Apart of me will always hold on to the past and maybe that is a good thing. In order to grow we must acknowledge our past and accept it right? Well maybe, in some twisted way that is what I'm doing. Despite my iron lock grip, things have been good so far.

Summer has brought with it new relationships, the death of old ones, and a new outlook on life-especially concerning that which will continue to confuse me well into old age: boys. Why is everything with them so complicated? Why can't it be simple: I like you, I like you too-okay we're going out. Instead you have to play the game and become good at it or else risk getting hurt-badly. You have to laugh at their jokes but not to obvious, you have to touch when you flirt but not be all over them, you can't make it easy because all boys want what they can't have. All these unwritten rules we as girls are expected to follow. You would think I, after a failed relationship or two, would be a pro at this by now. You think wrong. I am perhaps the worst player at this "game" we call relationships. The fact is, I hate playing games. I hate screwing with matters especially those of the heart. I always find that I'm the "cool, sweet, nice girl" that all the guys like to hang out with, yet I'm never "the" girl. Or I am in the case of some guys but of course the guys that I want don't see me in that light. We're always pinning for what we can't have and when we finally get it, or if we ever do I should say, we get bored with it and throw it away in pursuit for something more challenging. Life now-a-days is just too ironic. Sometimes you just have to wonder-if life were to take on a human form-what would it look like? In my mind, life would be that sadistic nine year old girl who in the face of your downfalls helps you up while laughing behind your back.

Summer is the time where all your greatest fears should be forgotten. Summer is the time to stay out till 2 in the morning partying at the beach or sharing a kiss or two under the pier. It's the time to get to know yourself better and to form unbreakable bonds with your friends. To create memories you'll be telling your grandchildren about, to fill a facebook album-or two or three or four. My summer has been all this and so much more. It's been filled with backstabbing, honesty, criticism, praise, and most importantly those laughs that I'm always talking about-the ones that come from somewhere deep within that fills you up with the warmest feeling in the world. My summer is leading me to places I never thought I'd go to. My summer is bringing me to people I never thought I'd meet. My summer started ten days ago and already it's turning out to be one of the best.

"And we were trying different things
We were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinking 'bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet home Alabama all summer long"

-V

Its The Start Of A Revolution...

and by that I mean, Summer 2010. Well, technically it's summer 2010 in t-minus two days but hey whose counting? Certainly not the seniors of San Clemente High School whose official last day was on Friday. & how did they spend it? Ironically staying and partying at the place whose demands required them to walk its halls for four years of their lives, to complete endless and endless amounts of exams, quizzes, projects, community service all leading up to one big day where they get to walk across an enormous stage, in front of hundreds of family, friends and distant relatives, being careful not to trip-all to receive a handshake and a piece of paper with fancy writing say "HEY YOU DID IT!".It's all very ironic, if you think about it. We spend our whole lives (well most of us) working to be the best at something whether it be sports, school work, popularity, whatever. Yet, sometimes you have to wonder if you work towards it because you actually LOVE doing it or is it because thats what it takes to be successful? In college when you choose your major-do you choose that major because you actually have a serious interest in pursuing a career in that field or because jobs in those fields gross over 250,000 a year?

I find that in this aspect, I am slightly bending the rules here. I love writing. I won't say I'm amazing at it but I do think I hone some skill in it (& to those reading this thinking "Wow cocky bitch" thats not cocky, thats trusting in your skills). But I would never dare pursue a career in the writing field simply because for one thing my parents would kill me for "wasting away my precious education" and second, in reality writers just don't make that much money-and in this world, money is everything. So what do you do when society condemns you for wanting to follow your dreams? You find the second best thing and hope to God it will make you a least a little happy. I found this in the International Business and Marketing field with a minor in environmental science. I love traveling, I love working with people, and I love the environment-it works out, don't you think?

Back on the subject of summer, even though it hasn't started officially yet for us-summer, summer is in the air. If you didn't attend Alexa Strange's amazing sweet sixteen on saturday aka the best kickoff to summer-then my friend, you really missed out the start of what I know will be the most memorable summer ever. Even though the night ended with brawls-I really will never understand why boys feel the need to fight one another, it seems so stupid and girl fights? yeah trashy.-the overall party was one to be remembered as "Party of the Year". Congratulations Alexa and once again happy birthday.!

"Live and let live"
-V

It's A Party In San Clemente

Otherwise known as the day when its okay to spend $500 dollars on a dress and a pair of shoes that you will most likely never wear again. When it's okay to have to drive to three different appointments. When every girl, no matter what they look like, appears to look more gorgeous than ever. When stripper poles become an essential part of our society. On this day, Saturday June 5th otherwise known as prom, it became okay to have the ability to work a pole and give lap dances. But maybe that's just me and my friends? I've dreamed of what my prom would be like ever since I was a little girl (Yes most girls dream of weddings, I dreamt of prom). And to be honest, San Clemente's prom out shined all my expectations.

Granted the three weeks before prom were HELL. Being in charge of forty people isn't easy. Finding a restaurant that fits everyone's budgets, finding a party bus that was in the price range, picking the perfect picture spot and finally collecting everyone's money may seem like a piece of cake but I assure you, take on the task yourself and you will find your weight down, tears cried and maybe just a little bit of hair loss. Despite all the minor setbacks-whose going on the bus, who paid, who didn't, what music we were gunna play, etc- I found that after it all was said and done, the feeling that I and my partner in crime Katie O'Keefe had put on a great prom for my friends and especially my senior babies was amazing. I really hope that night was something to remember for them because I know I'll never forget it. It was just so amazing to be with a group of people and laugh and dance and just be nonchalantly happy you know? Like having those once in awhile, pure, tear jerking, heart stopping laughs that comes from somewhere deep within.

Now if you are going to prom, there is only one way to go. On your prom check list, if "party bus" isn't on the list, then I'm sorry, you have already lowered the amount of fun you will be having at prom from 100 to about 75. My party bus was legendary to say the least. Lap dances were given via girl on girl, girl on boy, and even boy on girl. Boys showed phenomenal strength via stripper poles, Warren Dira-I knew you were strong but the way you were able to work that pole will forever stick with me.

Prom itself was amazing. ASB did an amazing job picking out the perfect venue-a concert hall for all the juniors and seniors, yea perfect. The music was amazing, the food, the DJ, the people-I wish I had another word to describe it but I just can't. Dancing with my friends is a workout! Have one dance with Joseph Wright or Raymond Gillard and I guarantee you, your view of dancing will be changed for all eternity. Everyone jerked, fist pumped, dougied and shuffled and it just made for a perfect night.

So if you're wondering what you missed at prom, I could tell you you missed the chance for it to be acceptable to spend 500 + plus on one night, I could tell you you missed the opportunity to make a complete fool of yourself on a pole or a lap, I could tell you you missed amazing food and cookies with ice cream, I could tell you you missed the chance to see everyone looking their best, I could tell you that you missed an epic night-but even that wouldn't suffice in summarizing the best night of my life so far. That night that was: Prom 2010.

"Shots,shots,shots,shots,shots,shots!"
-V

Another weekend come and gone

and only memories left in its place. This five day memorial weekend was anything but dull as I believe I slept an average six or five hours every night. So much for catching up on my sleep. This weekend, however exciting it was, did yield some much needed down time. & we all know what happens when we our left to divulge in our own sea of thoughts-questions arise, conclusions are sometimes reached, and we find that we can add a little piece of that puzzle in which we call ourselves.

I did a vast amount of thinking of this weekend, most of it atop my roof overlooking the Pacific ocean. I tell you there is no place like a rooftop to help you sort through your thoughts. Something about being above the things that usually cause problems-family, streets, cars, etc-is electrifying and helpful. When reflecting on the person that I was in Bangkok, I say-and still do say- that I did not like who I was then. I was mean, manipulative, dramatic, deceitful on top of being loyal, sensitive, fun, outgoing, etc. In short, I felt that the many bad qualities I possessed far outweighed the good I had in me and people over their got to know those qualities instead. I won't make excuses for this happening, really it is all my fault. For some reason, I changed who I was, what I believed in, what I valued-all to reach a state in which I was "known". Why I was so obsessed with that I'll never know; blame it on all the iconic tv shows that plague our lives or just simply being naive and clay like in the face of change.

Everyone goes through change right? Whether we like it or not we are not the same person we were when we enter high school and when we leave it. Most of us change for the better, while some do unfortunately lag behind the pack. I know for fact that I and many of my fellow classmates and friends have changed for the better. Yet, sadly there are those who are still adamant on keeping their immature, child like qualities in which they choose to display in the form of hate comments on formspring. I will never understand why such individuals get such a high in putting others down. What do you gain through calling others fat, ugly, dumb, a whore, etc.? Does starting drama on that sight really make you genuinely happy? If seeing the hurt you cause makes you feel warm inside and you enjoy see it-then how can you call yourself a human being? Did you know it is estimated that around 500,000 kids are bullied each year and about 5000 commit suicide because of it. 5000 kids between the ages of 9-17 kill themselves because people like to make themselves feel better by putting themselves down. Already this scary statistic has proven correct at my new school. I'm not saying those being bullied on formspring do not have the strong will to hold their chin up in the presence of such comments-but after awhile, it does take a toll on you. Every strong person has their breaking point, no matter what. It's really sad that kinder people can prevent 5000 deaths. It's really sad that half the people who will read this will not even think twice, go to my formspring- or someone elses and write something hurtful. It's just really sad that this is what adolescence has succumbed too. When will change occur and who will be the face of it?

I'm sorry to put such a dreary mood on this post but one of my friends was actually, really hurt by one of her hateful comments. She is usually one of the strongest girls I know and to see her so upset, it opened my eyes on how serious this problem is.

On a different note, summer is coming up. Which means I'll be starting college classes, college apps, and most importantly becoming a senior. In close to 365 days, I get to leave the walls of high school and embark on a totally different, refreshing journey called life. We enter this world with no clue and in retrospect we leave high school with no clue at all. You get to reinvent yourself after high school. You essentially become the driver from that point on and it doesn't get more serious than that. To the graduates of 2010-I wish you the best of luck in your journeys to find yourselves, your careers, your dreams and success. My class will soon be following suit.

"Baby get ready, get set-but please don't go"
-V

Theres comes a time

When honestly is needed. When honesty is "the best policy" Yet sometimes you have to wonder at what point does honesty become too much? When does it change from being the best thing for you to the worst thing that could ever possibly happen? I've always prided myself on being honest with others-to a certain point. When a friend asks you "Does this dress make me look good" when in fact it compliments her horribly, instead of actually saying that you'd use euphemism to slyly tell her that its not her best option.

However, does this rule apply to friends and boys? When a friend likes the same guy you like and then starts going out with him, what do you say when she asks "Why aren't you happy for me?". Do you lie and play it off while seeing them together could very much eat you alive? Or do you be honest and tell her that you've had feelings for this guy for as long as you can remember? & if the answer to my question is the second one-what then becomes of the two friends? Sure the fairytale ending tells us that the friend with the boy gives him up and the two friends live happily ever after. But fairy tales do not exist in this world-they in fact should be shot for instilling such radical fantasies in today's youth. No, in reality the friend with the boy is NOT going to want to release her claim-and why should she? She got him "fair and square" and so on and so on. Its a vicious little cycle that leaves no survivors: only broken hearts, friendships, and everything else in between.

The winds of change are in the air, and who knows what they bring.
One thing is for sure: this town is about to be rocked.

"Pon de replay"
-V

Weekends, Weekends Come & Go

But this one will be remembered forever. There's a lot to say about this weekend-if you ever thought SC was boring, I garuantee you won't think the same after reading this.

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night and also Sunday afternoon yieled a new wave of entertainment in San Clemente as the Dance Team put on their spring dance showcase featuring the many dance styles of IB Dance, 1st, 3rd, and finally fourth period ROP Dance classes. However, Saturday's dance concert definately stood out above the rest. If you weren't there to witness it yourself, surely by now you would have heard: two girls appeared to be kissing on stage at the end of fourth periods dance. While, from an audience perspective it appeared as though the girls were full on making out-I'm here to assure you while the girls sent out a shockwave thoughout the entire audience (one that is sure to give way to...entertaining repercussions come Monday), from a dancer's perspective NO lips were touched-merely faces clashing into one another; a mistake that is sure to be talked about for years to come. Bravo girls, you didn't kiss any girls-but I'm sure you liked appearing as if that were the case ;)

& when the drama wasn't happening on stage, rest assured it was occuring behind the scenes in the dressing rooms. Keys were stolen, wallets were taken, masks were hidden in unconvential places-can anyone say microwave oven?-, hand sanitizer was used to clean the oddest of items, pinnochio was thrown, and harsh words were used agaisnt friends. In the aftermath of all our childish pranks and actions, feelings were truly hurt and doctors were seen! I'd like to think that the people involved actually feel sorry for what they did but then that would imply that some of them would actually have to grow up and be the bigger person. With only a few weeks left to graduation-if this simple action of being a human being hasn't been learned yet, one has to wonder if it is too late to learn it? & if that's the case then what happens to that person in life? One thing's for sure: I actually did manage to learn this lesson so: I M S O R R Y.

Despite a few lows over the weekend, all in all it was actually pretty fun. Friends became closer, interests grew stronger and flowers were given (: I don't care what anyone says, give a girl a flower and you will brighten her day by at least a little. Another thing to make a girl smile? Her birthday party. Adrianna Flores-I've never been to a party quite like yours but in all seriousness it was so much fun. Dancing to the beat of the music, laughing to the point where you might explode and singing happy birthday-I hope you had fun cause that was one night I will never forget <3

It's the simple things like this-giving flowers, giving a hug, partying soberly with friends, saying "hey you did amazing"-that make life that much more bearable. & of course it wouldn't be anything for me without the people I share it with.

"Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction
To everything I fear
Cause I've been going crazy I don't want to waste another minute here"

-V

Life Comes At You In Three's...

Death. Bestfriends and my new favorite one: boys. What's life now a days without a full on love triangle? As if high school weren't complicated enough what with advanced classes, backstabbing best friends, and teachers who stand on either end of the school work spectrum-never in between- life decides to throw a species far more complicated then they tend to appear: boys or homo sapien with a little twist as I like to call them. I think I've been through all the scenarios possible-cheating, being the "other woman", liking someone when I was dating someone. They're all familiar to most teenage girls by the time the leave high school. But coming here, I was surprised to observe new situations plaguing my friends. Love triangles and ones where its the girl stuck between two boys-not the other way around. While I'm all for flipping the script and having girls take on the more masculine roles in our social society, I must admit that girls (and in particular my friend) do not handle it as nonchalantly as the boys appear too. Perhaps this is why the title of "pimp" and "top dog" are left the the men because they contain with in them the genetic capability to not care what either of the two females they are playing think; whereas in the case of my friend she cares WAY to much about hurting her two options. My advice? Just have fun. Summer 2010 is fast approaching and does she really want to end the year in a relationship? Especially with her traveling for summer, a relationship is the last thing she needs. But hey that's just my opinion.

And Speaking of Summer, it is SO close. I can almost taste the waves, the tanning lotion, the staying up for hours doing nothing and waking up the next day so late you feel like you've missed out on everything. Oh wait-I already do do that. Living in California sometimes tricks the mind into thinking it is summer especially with recent teacher strikes, star testing and an upcoming five day memorial weekend (woot woot). How do teachers really expect us to settle down into desks for six hours and forty five minutes? How can they expect the same quality of work we produced in the early months of school when the ocean breeze trickles into the classrooms, coaxing us to abandon all ideals of "homework" and "studying" and instead grab the nearest bikini, surfboard, towel and tanning lotion and lay out all day. Its a sick cycle we the students of Capo Unified District are forced to endure. Hopefully we will prevail and dominate looming finals. After all only 26 days until schools out!

Finally, what is coming up in two weeks, has been the highlight of my moving here and is costing me all my paychecks & allowance? P R O M! You never really experience prom unless you're experiencing it in America. Here in the land of amazing party buses with stripper poles, hummer limousines and designers who remind you of cross dressers: is where legendary proms take place. However behind these legends is an ordeal of stress I was not prepared to deal with. Booking the party bus, setting a guest list the suited everyone and booking dinner alone was enough to make me want to rip my hair out. But with that behind me the only thing left to do is pick up my dress, find those oh so perfect pair of shoes and have fun. I'm superduperfreakingexcited! Can't you tell?
"My first kiss went a little like this : MUAH and twist!"
-V

It's the end of numerous of things this year...

Weight, sports teams, childhood fantasies,

and a three year friendship that has given me the best and recently the worst times of my life. I'm not sure what I want to say about you, I suppose I can start, like all great people, by saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry I went about handling things wrong but that's about the only thing I'm sorry for. I'm not sorry for constantly telling you the truth about your boyfriend and I'm not sorry for trying to make you see him in the light that do. I always laughed when people would refer to themselves as "best friends forever and ever" because in my opinion forever is a long time and in that time fights and tears are just waiting to emerge. Yet for some foolish reason I truly believed you and I were the exception to this rule. Silly, I know but if you really think about it we could have been. In all of our three years of friendship we never got into an argument-well none that I can recall- and that's what made me think we could survive me moving out here. Never did I foresee the end of us, nor did I foresee the end of some other friendships you had. I thanked you recently for wasting three years of my life but I hope you know me well enough by now to know I was angry and upset and was saying anything to hurt you. Why? Because you hurt me. Childish and immature I know but I am not perfect. These last three months have been hell, I've watched you change into a stranger before my very eyes and perhaps I should have intervened sooner in telling you what I was seeing-maybe then our friendship could have been salvaged but even then I knew in my gut it was changing-never to be the same despite our best efforts with bandaids and glue. I told you that when you and your boyfriend break up, I hope it hurts. But I don't mean that because I realize now that when THAT happens-and it eventually will-that the pain of reality is going to sting and bruise far worse then the sting of a broken heart. Look around you, who all is left? You've already lost three of what I thought were the most important people in your life, how is that going to affect you when he leaves? Of course you might counter with the two new, strong friendships you've gained and if that's the case then I really pity you and I mourn for those three people because that is truly a slap in the face. It's like you're rubbing it in how easily replaceable we are. But enough. This too shall pass and perhaps the anger, the tears, the painful words spoken, the drama, the backstabbing, and most importantly the hurt-will all subside into something no more stronger than a prick of the thumb by a pin. One can only hope, wish and pray.

With such a melancholy mood plaguing this post, I suppose the time to liven it up has come. Despite that aspect of my life, things are amazing right now. I'm going to prom-on a party bus no less, my spring dance concert is coming up, my friends have been amazing at supporting me, and the grades and future are looking outstanding. I am a firm believer that with all bad in life, no matter how hurtful or painful it is, the good can always outweigh it. It's all about perspective. If you choose to have a bleak outlook on your life well then yeah you are going to hate it and be miserable in it. This, I find, is the key to my happiness now. When things are looking down and I can't seem to find anyway back to the top, I simply remind myself-it could be worse. If you really think about it, those words hold an enormous weight of truth to them. Your best friend stabs you in the back? It's sad yes but at least you aren't dying from AIDS or walking about six kilometers to get adequate drinking water. If I put my life into that kind of perspective, I realize I really have nothing to be complaining about and neither do most of us. We tend to take for granted just how amazing we have it and its sad that majority of kids here in SC just don't understand that. Some of their problems consist of wearing the same dress twice in a week or not being able to get an appointment for a mani/pedi. You think I'd be exaggerating for dramatic effect and I wish I was but sadly that is the mindset of SOME people here. & in retrospect, I kind of wish I was like them at times because it's like they are still in kindergarden. They are so blissly unaware of what's going on around them-I hate to see what would happen when this facade of a perfect world were to cave in. Damn. My little girl story was just reiterated.

I hope I'm not coming across as saying ALL SC kids are like this because that is definitely not the case. Here, I've met some of the most dedicated, sweet, kind, down to earth kids. They inspired me to stop being lazy and actually get up and DO something with my life. My goal before graduating high school is to change a life, make a difference, and impact someone somewhere. I really hope I can accomplish that because it would make all the other stuff seem so unimportant.

Oh and how about this for a scary thought: People are actually reading this thing. Reading it and liking my words. I can't tell you few who have personally said to me how much you like my blog how much your words mean to me. I have always loved writing and to be referred to as an "amazing" writer just makes writing this so much more fulfilling.

Finally, last night was perfect. I didn't spend it out partying which many of my friends did. No, instead I had a nice night at home skyping with two of the most amazing kids on the eastern hemisphere. Celeste Marsh and Jeremy Getz, what would my life be like without you two? I really don't know the answer to that question and I hope I never find out. I laughed so hard last night and it was that good, healthy, loud laugh that I haven't heard in awhile. It's amazing to me how close I am to both of you despite never living near you Jeremy and despite you moving away Celeste. I don't care tho-I'm happy either way. Jeremy, can't wait for summer!

"Give me the beat boys and free my soul. I wanna get lost in your rock n roll".
Always,
V

Once upon a time

There lived a beautiful little girl. She grew up in a protected castle, surrounded by a lush green forrest. She played all day, slept all night and was so ignorantly unaware of the maddness that ensued outside her castle walls. Then one day, the walls came crashing down and she was hit full force with reality. She tried to escape but not even she could do so unscathed.

This is the story that I find represents many of our lives. At what point does childhood innocence vanish? At one point do the things we get from boys become more serious than cooties? At what point does cutting mean more than paper? Can childhood innocence ever survive the terrifying adolescent years? I wish it were so. But the sad truth plaguing many, is with each new generation of children that preservation of childhood innocence becomes smaller and smaller. Today someone told me they lost their virginity in the sixth grade. Sixth. Grade. You are what? eleven years old? I looked at her with a look of horror while she merely smirked at me as if she was saying-it's life. get over it.

Living in SC is so different than Bangkok. Almost every girl here has little or no respect for their body and the boys-they just love taking advantage of that. Here, being on birth control is common you would think its the new tylenol for girls or something. I guess I'm so use to Bangkok, where if you were having sex you weren't so...so open about it. & you didn't talk about it much less brag about it. But no, the standards are completely flipped over here and witnessing this change makes the will to cling to my morals so much more concrete. Why follow the crowd when you can be remembered by being different?

Speaking of different, ASB Elections are tomorrow. I'm running for Commissioner of Welfare & Community Service. Unfortunately, I am not running unopposed. I'm acutally running agaisnt someone who has a lot of experience in this field but I am confident that Iwill prevail (confident, not cocky). & even if I don't win, the whole experience was life changing to say the least. During lunch, I went around to the different tables at school and just started talking to them-asking them to vote me, something that terrified me but also helped me. The more I did it, the more comfortable I began to feel and the more people I began to meet. I wish the best of luck to my opponent, either one of us would do an amazing job at being Commissioner.

Love the life you live, live the life you love.
love & rockets,
V.Adams
(yes I did watch my life as liz before writing this)

It's been awhile

Since I've sat down and started to write. Truthfully, I've been terrified to for fear of what I might say. Let me just get this straight: anything that I say on here that may seem offensive to you is not me meaning for it to be. I say what's on my mind; an aspect that I should perhaps learn to tone down but then again why? Most of us spend our entire lives half living-not taking chances and not saying what we really feel. Well that's stupid. 86400 seconds in day. Thats it. 525600 minutes. To you that may seem irrealevant but that is a factor for me. While living in Bangkok, I was only half living. I didn't say what I really felt, I wasn't honest-I lied, I decieved all because of this preconcieved notion that that was what it took to fit in. How wrong I was. Becuase of my actions, a lot of people there have the wrong first impression of me. It's sad but true and even more I really can't do a damn thing to change it. People really only get one chance in life and once you've screwed that up, well sorry no second chances. Bangkok is unforgiving of me, I am lucky to have the few amazing friends that I do there. They literally keep me going, to this day.

Moving to San Clemente was like a wake up call. My second chance and I was determined to make the most of it. & I think I did or at least I'd like to think so. I was definately an odd ball out moving here, people were skeptical at first of me but I think I've really found my little niche amidst the some 3000 kids that attend this school. Some of them are amazing and some I have yet to meet-but I'd like too. I'd like to think moving here has changed me for the better. The same things that once upset me in the past now don't even phase me. When I look at my life in Bangkok, I feel like an outsider looking in. I don't even recognize that person anymore and I'm not sure I want too. She and I are very different, I wish people there would see that.

While I'm on the subject of Bangkok, I guess I better come out and say this now. To the lot of you who have poor judgement of me-I'm sorry. I'm sorry my actions caused you to percieve me this way, I'm sorry if I was ever mean, dishonest, or talked behind your back. I'm sorry if I hurt you. You can either choose to accept my apology or you can continue living life with this thought of me. Truthfully, I don't care anymore. I have too much good in my life to continue to dwell upon the past. I can honestly say that your opinions of me no longer matter. I don't live there anymore, I'm not apart of your world. Yet some of you have tried to drag me back in by writing negative things on my formspring. I will admit it hurt & sadden me to see some things that were written-especially the comments that I know personally came from a person I thought was one of my good friends. To that person (VH) I do not know what I did to cause you say such atrocious things to me. Your words caused me to question everyone in Bangkok. Friends that shouldn't have been were put under speculation because I let your words get to me. Well no mas. It's no question you and I are sharing our differences right now, mainly because we share one person who is very important in both of our lives. I feel like you're playing her. That's my honest opinion amoung others but I didn't come on here to belittle you. So moving on.

Well thats it for now I suppose. I feel like I'm closing a large chapter in my life and focusing in on the new one. Life is good, did I mention that? I've always wondered what true happiness felt like, I've always hoped that one day I would find it and finally I have. I know I'm not going to feel this way forever, hell tomorrow might be hell but whats life without its ups and downs right? To the people in my life who love me-thank you. it really means the world to me.

That's it for now, keep checking back :)
-V